a couple of my scattered poems

hold me tight and never let go
im getting tired of this one man show
feeling just as flimsy as my clothes
theres very few things i actually loathe
ignorance, liars and foes
i invade the mind of yet another clone
i think of myself as a plague
my words are distinct but the meaning is vague
the earth trembles beneath me but still i wont shake
or even express a glint of my rage
we lay together in a field of sage
with the sun at the highest point of day
its scortching rays invade the place
im peeling out last from the race
chase me and never catch up
date me and never break up
perform with me but never choke up
as an english man said
im about to fuck this bloke up.
woke up to find myself alone
my fake smile turned on
and brightly it shone
my heart is so sore all i can do is moan
im changing into one of those clones.








a box
slightly rectangular in shape
but impermeable from all sides
completely transparent
because its all in my mind
im subconsciously trapped in this box
and mime
in this invisible box
theres no concept of time
follow the lines
the dictates of society
"dont commit crimes
enjoy life slightly
put that weed cigarette out!!
obey the mighty"
is it just me or are they all flighty?
we strive to be rich
switch sides, consume lies
"you dont want to be the glitch"
they say
"you dont want to now fit in"
dont get caught in this ditch
like i may
they dont want to see me win.
when money evaporates
where will we be?
you all can panic and scream
and ill plant a tree.

bitches.

lets get fucked up and die.


yes.

well that was new

last night was the first good night ive had in a while. it blows how dull everything's been lately. now i have acl to anticipate and then after that i guess im anticitating christmas. liz said i may be able to vacation with her, which would be the shit, but as of now im still feeling pretty dull. all ive been excited about is going home to smoke and sleep. what a sorry life. i want to travel, to perform, to ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING. blahhhhhhhhhhhhhh


i want a full body massage. my butt is sore from jammin.

karma really is a bitch.

wow. a year ago today things were so different. not only was a blonde but i was stepping out of a scene i no longer wanted to be a part of, making new friends and falling for new boys. im sure names dont need to be said considering ive only had 3 boyfriends in my life. but for real. i kinda miss the past. im just going through a phase right now. or at least i hope so. but ive been so independent lately. almost too independent. no longer am i the social charismatic katie i used to be. i feel my self slowly becoming an introvert.

i am an observer. a notorious people watcher and aura reader. my first impressions of people usually end up to correct, with a few exception (like the boys previously mentioned). but as i noticed things about people i realized that i can trust no one. as i experience people i realize that i truly am alone. its okay, nothing against the rest of the world, but ive come to see that everyone is the center of their own universe. nobody cares about what i might experience, or feel or for that matter anything that may or may not happen to me. im just some other kid. i too am guilty of this. its just human nature. but it is also human nature to have friends and to maintain relationships with people, but i do not understand it.

it all seems a little silly to me, to trust someone with your happiness. after all, you are not in their own personal universe. and people are constantly changing so why would you throw yourself into something so unstable when in the end its you who's going to be bitten in the ass? im not saying to be a total loner, but rather i am just a little baffled at what evolution has turned us into.

well, bearing some resemblance to myself a year ago, i am trying to step out of a scene i no longer want to be a part of. im tired of being just another face at a party. or another girl to smoke you out. i want to be me. and i want to be embraced for it.

tonight at work some really sweet gay guys came in and when i got cut early i went and sat with them for a while and they couldnt stop talking about how gorgeous i was, and how smart i am, and how they couldnt believe i was still single, and how if they were straight they would be all over me, how they wanted me to model for their company, how i should be in hollywood, how funny i am, and i guess any other compliment you can feed a girl. i just got really giggly and red but it made me think, if i am really so great, then why am i ALWAYS so alone. and broken all of the time.

its not fair but hey, what can i do but sit back and let life tear me up. maybe if there is such thing as karma, im in for a real special treat because i give and give and get nothing in return. sometimes i just with i could sleep and forever live in my dreams. dreams of stardust.

verge

im at a strange point in my life. i feel as if i dont know which way is up. i feel as if i have nothing to look forward to. (except acl) its quite strange. im lonely as fuck, but i dont mind. its just feels like somethings not alligned. i cant pinpoint it though. and its killing me.


im on the verge of something.
i can taste it on my tongue.

she

she tried to hold it back
you could see it on her face
trying to beat the cheaters in their own race.
hiding her eyes to protect her from the rays.
he always induced this drug binge craze
one by one the tears fell down
and dissolved before they ever hit the ground
its burning up in this violent world to which shes bound
try to get free or even found
but only ends in failure.
she drinks too much and swears like a sailor.
dissatisfaction drips from her pores
she knew she was better than those low life whores
but still he chose to ignore
her feeble attempts for his love
and still he leaves
and weaves his way deeper into her liver
she tries to fight back but only utters a quiver
she cant even begin to deliver the words that echo in her head
her soul cant soar
heavier than lead.
she always needs more to escape from her head
so she lies a little more and wishes to be dead.
how small we are all
she stated with smirk
smaller than the molecules in your back yards dirt.
so pointless
way too much stress
why does everybody have to try and impress
the object of her affection.
she knew she could be sweeter than any confection.
she knew she could teach him any lesson.
she'd taught herself too.
shes grown up so much
but he still wont touch
even the clothes on her back.
but what did she lack?
it was hard to love herself too.

untitled

i miss these days.