wow. a year ago today things were so different. not only was a blonde but i was stepping out of a scene i no longer wanted to be a part of, making new friends and falling for new boys. im sure names dont need to be said considering ive only had 3 boyfriends in my life. but for real. i kinda miss the past. im just going through a phase right now. or at least i hope so. but ive been so independent lately. almost too independent. no longer am i the social charismatic katie i used to be. i feel my self slowly becoming an introvert.
i am an observer. a notorious people watcher and aura reader. my first impressions of people usually end up to correct, with a few exception (like the boys previously mentioned). but as i noticed things about people i realized that i can trust no one. as i experience people i realize that i truly am alone. its okay, nothing against the rest of the world, but ive come to see that everyone is the center of their own universe. nobody cares about what i might experience, or feel or for that matter anything that may or may not happen to me. im just some other kid. i too am guilty of this. its just human nature. but it is also human nature to have friends and to maintain relationships with people, but i do not understand it.
it all seems a little silly to me, to trust someone with your happiness. after all, you are not in their own personal universe. and people are constantly changing so why would you throw yourself into something so unstable when in the end its you who's going to be bitten in the ass? im not saying to be a total loner, but rather i am just a little baffled at what evolution has turned us into.
well, bearing some resemblance to myself a year ago, i am trying to step out of a scene i no longer want to be a part of. im tired of being just another face at a party. or another girl to smoke you out. i want to be me. and i want to be embraced for it.
tonight at work some really sweet gay guys came in and when i got cut early i went and sat with them for a while and they couldnt stop talking about how gorgeous i was, and how smart i am, and how they couldnt believe i was still single, and how if they were straight they would be all over me, how they wanted me to model for their company, how i should be in hollywood, how funny i am, and i guess any other compliment you can feed a girl. i just got really giggly and red but it made me think, if i am really so great, then why am i ALWAYS so alone. and broken all of the time.
its not fair but hey, what can i do but sit back and let life tear me up. maybe if there is such thing as karma, im in for a real special treat because i give and give and get nothing in return. sometimes i just with i could sleep and forever live in my dreams. dreams of stardust.
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i read your blog and you are amazing and ahead of your time/age i assure you -- just be patient -- girls are so competitive, insincere, and sly to each other and boys often don't know what is going on until they are older -- in high school there is just so much game playing and almost always stars the superficial -- hang in there i PROMISE in college and adulthood you will leave the others like they are standing still -- whether alone or not, life is full of great stuff if you try to notice it -- wind, chocolate, great songs,... - other people are just cherries on top, you are the main course
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