i wish

i wish it was easier not to care about anything. i mean like hygene and shit like that i enjoy caring about and im sure that people appreciate it too, but when it comes to boys and other bullshit like that, i wish i didnt care. im not stupid. i know that none of what im going though will matter in like a year but still i guess this pain is just training. its not even somebody else inflicting these emotions on me. im doing it to myself. im picking myself apart without any apparant reason. im actually pretty excited to go back to school. at least it will give me something to do rather than hating on myself.

its just the way he looks at me. it tears me apart. he has no idea. hes probably forgotten about me by now. i just wish i had never made the mistakes that i did. ive realized that i should be alone for maybe like the rest of my life because ill admit, im a bit crazy when it comes to relationships. i fall head over heels, and then get really doubtful, break someones heart, get crazy in love again and then fall out of it just as fast. im all over the fucking place. and then i milk pity from them. i make them think that i need them and that i need their help to try and win them back and by that point, everybody hates me.

maaaaan. ive always noticed i do these things though. i just cant stop for some reason. it all seems justifiable at the time but now looking back on my previous actions, im fucking crazy. so i apologize to anybody thats ever remotely had feelings for me. i suck at emotions.

thats why i like science so much. its almost reassuring that nothing matters. the human race will end. our planet will be destroyed in time. the sun will blow up. we are so incomprehensably small and im not scared of death. its all part of the cycle. nothing will matter when i die, because i am no more. its comforting in a sort of sick pessimistic way but hey, what can i say.

i know im fucking nuts.