christmas

its that time of year again.
oh joy.

im so behind on christmas presents.
but i got a puppy. cutest thing ever.
nyika. it means earth..

mmmm

bliss.


yes. im free from my shell of negativity. im healthy, happy, and unstoppable.

lookout world.
im back.

the last post...

...wasnt relevant to my current situation.

im no longer lingering on the bad/sad chapters in my life.
im moving on.



i love having crushes on boys.
hes a great guy. =] im well on my way to being giddy.
oh, and hes a great kisser too.
score baby.


and the good times have returned.

here it goes again

if i could write you a million poems i would
i do it daily anyway.
if i could show you that i can be good,
you wouldnt need to swing in and save me.
although you are always on my mind
i know ive passed with the times
my heyday is long in the past,
im the soft spot in the cast.
im so last year
so last month
but not any date thats near
you dont care if i sigh or follow with a cry
its goes in and out both of your ears
boy dont play these games
im out here again
always rooting for your team
and there you go
you pass real slow
to let the rejection engulf me.
i hate being in your presence
the feelings swell up
and i cant shut my goddamn mouth.
i hate when your gone
and listen to songs
reppin that gangsta ass south.
you always outdid me
in every style
in every single way
still i would walk for miles
and sweep the streets just to clear the way.
the way to my heart is very concealed
and somehow you found it right away
and tagged your name all over my chest
its like a losing chess game.
all hope is gone but i still push on
and hope we can jump back in time
to the times that we both could look in our souls
and see the connecting line
intertwined in a way that not even words cant say
but feelings can only project
no matter how many hours pass
you'll still be my best
and i loved you.
what else can i say?

scatterbrained

"Now I can't seem to get it
and in my mind I'm bettin
My times made up, I gotta go
and its alright if you want
to see through your tomorrow,
but right now I gotta go"





i hate school.
i love winter.
the cold brings me hope.

never neverland

god damn.
i hate this feeling. i miss the past.
i miss bonnaroo. i wish life were like bonnaroo.
ha.
but really. im so frustrated with the way things have been going.
i miss michelle so much.
like i cant even begin to explain it.
since shes been gone, its like my world is self destructing and theres nothing i can do but watch it crumble.
i miss mary too. i miss our girls nights.
i guess i just need a good dosage of some sappy bff love, and cati isnt the sappiest person. haha.


the thing i miss the most about the past, is myself. im so different.
i dont like it.
at all.

i dont want to grow up. someone take me to neverland.
please.

oh, uncurable human-ness

oh, october. how i love thee. you bring us good weather and halloween as well as the austin city limits music festival.

acl was pretty fantastic. but as usual, i met a really cool guy halfway through the last day. what great luck. haha. friday it was supposed to rain, but it was just hot and sunny all day and i got a little toasted. saturday it was overcast and drizzly all day and sunday, zilker park was a giant fishy-smelling mud pit.

highlights:
FUCKING GIRLTALK - girl talk puts on a high energy show with great lighting and lots of crowd participation. if anyone ever gets a chance to see girl talk, GO. it was my third girl talk show and i can say i still genuinely enjoyed myself. i felt like i was going to die waiting for the show to start. after 3 days of music festival festivities, being pounded on by the sun and packed shoulder to shoulder with hot sweaty people for an hour with a small amount of water is very difficult. but i had thought it was going to rain that day, so i had my umbrella. we used it as a sunshield/ fan by moving it up and down and within 5 minutes the crowd looked like a sea of umbrella jellyfish.

the staff walking right by me and tucker blazing- we were smoking pretty far back in the crowd and one of the festival employees walked right next to us and hesitated. we both thought we were going to get kicked out or something but she merely just smiled, winked and carried on. yessss.

the toadies- i was by myself almost the whole day sunday and i took advantage of the oppurtunity to make friends. i worked my way as close to the front of the stage as i could, befriended some friendly stangers and loaded up a few bowls. we jammed to the toadies together (FUCKING INCREDIBLE) and i ended up bonding with one guy over bonnaroo stories. overall, a great success.

mute math- amazing live performance. i was left speechless. go to their shows and prepare to be blown away. the drummer is incredible and the music is just great.

the house of torment- although it is not in acl, i did go to a hounted house while i was in austin. it was in fact, quite creepy. the characters they had were very well portayed and some of them freaked me the fuck out.good scenery, good actors, good lighting, ggood themes, and good costumes. they would jump out of every corner,and since i was brave enough to be in the back, they would follow me and breathe down my neck or just follow me and wait until i noticed and would scare the shit out of me. if they got too close or wouldnt stop harassing me, i would tell them i had swine flu, and in the next flash of the stobe light, they would be nowhere to be seen. i also got a monster to say vagina. and if they would breathe on my neck too much, i would blow in their faces or roar at them. i left the haunted house laughing. i win this time, terror.

the yeah yeah yeahs- so basically karen o. is my idol. the end.

my all night philisophical conversation with tucker- although we kept alex up the whole night, tucker and i had a super awesome all night convo about my favorite topics of conversation from death, religion, astronomy, armageddon, philosophy, politics, to drugs. everything. so high five to you, tucker, for being an awesome person to share ideas with.

so overall i had a very fun and eventful 4 day weekend in the ATX. tomorrow i shall return to the real house of torment, lamar, where there is probably swine flu oozing from the walls and blowing in my teachers faces wont make them leave. boo.

the countdown to ACL '10 has begun.

p.s. drank really does slow your roll. i came home and passed out. im a huge fan. not to mention its yummy and purple. score for drank.

a couple of my scattered poems

hold me tight and never let go
im getting tired of this one man show
feeling just as flimsy as my clothes
theres very few things i actually loathe
ignorance, liars and foes
i invade the mind of yet another clone
i think of myself as a plague
my words are distinct but the meaning is vague
the earth trembles beneath me but still i wont shake
or even express a glint of my rage
we lay together in a field of sage
with the sun at the highest point of day
its scortching rays invade the place
im peeling out last from the race
chase me and never catch up
date me and never break up
perform with me but never choke up
as an english man said
im about to fuck this bloke up.
woke up to find myself alone
my fake smile turned on
and brightly it shone
my heart is so sore all i can do is moan
im changing into one of those clones.








a box
slightly rectangular in shape
but impermeable from all sides
completely transparent
because its all in my mind
im subconsciously trapped in this box
and mime
in this invisible box
theres no concept of time
follow the lines
the dictates of society
"dont commit crimes
enjoy life slightly
put that weed cigarette out!!
obey the mighty"
is it just me or are they all flighty?
we strive to be rich
switch sides, consume lies
"you dont want to be the glitch"
they say
"you dont want to now fit in"
dont get caught in this ditch
like i may
they dont want to see me win.
when money evaporates
where will we be?
you all can panic and scream
and ill plant a tree.

bitches.

lets get fucked up and die.


yes.

well that was new

last night was the first good night ive had in a while. it blows how dull everything's been lately. now i have acl to anticipate and then after that i guess im anticitating christmas. liz said i may be able to vacation with her, which would be the shit, but as of now im still feeling pretty dull. all ive been excited about is going home to smoke and sleep. what a sorry life. i want to travel, to perform, to ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING. blahhhhhhhhhhhhhh


i want a full body massage. my butt is sore from jammin.

karma really is a bitch.

wow. a year ago today things were so different. not only was a blonde but i was stepping out of a scene i no longer wanted to be a part of, making new friends and falling for new boys. im sure names dont need to be said considering ive only had 3 boyfriends in my life. but for real. i kinda miss the past. im just going through a phase right now. or at least i hope so. but ive been so independent lately. almost too independent. no longer am i the social charismatic katie i used to be. i feel my self slowly becoming an introvert.

i am an observer. a notorious people watcher and aura reader. my first impressions of people usually end up to correct, with a few exception (like the boys previously mentioned). but as i noticed things about people i realized that i can trust no one. as i experience people i realize that i truly am alone. its okay, nothing against the rest of the world, but ive come to see that everyone is the center of their own universe. nobody cares about what i might experience, or feel or for that matter anything that may or may not happen to me. im just some other kid. i too am guilty of this. its just human nature. but it is also human nature to have friends and to maintain relationships with people, but i do not understand it.

it all seems a little silly to me, to trust someone with your happiness. after all, you are not in their own personal universe. and people are constantly changing so why would you throw yourself into something so unstable when in the end its you who's going to be bitten in the ass? im not saying to be a total loner, but rather i am just a little baffled at what evolution has turned us into.

well, bearing some resemblance to myself a year ago, i am trying to step out of a scene i no longer want to be a part of. im tired of being just another face at a party. or another girl to smoke you out. i want to be me. and i want to be embraced for it.

tonight at work some really sweet gay guys came in and when i got cut early i went and sat with them for a while and they couldnt stop talking about how gorgeous i was, and how smart i am, and how they couldnt believe i was still single, and how if they were straight they would be all over me, how they wanted me to model for their company, how i should be in hollywood, how funny i am, and i guess any other compliment you can feed a girl. i just got really giggly and red but it made me think, if i am really so great, then why am i ALWAYS so alone. and broken all of the time.

its not fair but hey, what can i do but sit back and let life tear me up. maybe if there is such thing as karma, im in for a real special treat because i give and give and get nothing in return. sometimes i just with i could sleep and forever live in my dreams. dreams of stardust.

verge

im at a strange point in my life. i feel as if i dont know which way is up. i feel as if i have nothing to look forward to. (except acl) its quite strange. im lonely as fuck, but i dont mind. its just feels like somethings not alligned. i cant pinpoint it though. and its killing me.


im on the verge of something.
i can taste it on my tongue.

she

she tried to hold it back
you could see it on her face
trying to beat the cheaters in their own race.
hiding her eyes to protect her from the rays.
he always induced this drug binge craze
one by one the tears fell down
and dissolved before they ever hit the ground
its burning up in this violent world to which shes bound
try to get free or even found
but only ends in failure.
she drinks too much and swears like a sailor.
dissatisfaction drips from her pores
she knew she was better than those low life whores
but still he chose to ignore
her feeble attempts for his love
and still he leaves
and weaves his way deeper into her liver
she tries to fight back but only utters a quiver
she cant even begin to deliver the words that echo in her head
her soul cant soar
heavier than lead.
she always needs more to escape from her head
so she lies a little more and wishes to be dead.
how small we are all
she stated with smirk
smaller than the molecules in your back yards dirt.
so pointless
way too much stress
why does everybody have to try and impress
the object of her affection.
she knew she could be sweeter than any confection.
she knew she could teach him any lesson.
she'd taught herself too.
shes grown up so much
but he still wont touch
even the clothes on her back.
but what did she lack?
it was hard to love herself too.

untitled

i miss these days.

strange

so my moms friend is a flight attendant and she said that she was working a flight to colorado and that it was full of the bellaire boys lacrosse team and that i was the topic of conversation on the plane and that they were taking votes on me like my hair and shit.



umm... i dont even know and/or care about any of the bellaire boys lacrosse team. i like musicians. and brett favre (although hes a backstabber).

i guess its kinda flattering.
but not really.

i wonder what else they were voting on.

the only homework ive ever had to actually think for

so for my ib world religions class we got a set of questions to answer. heres one of my responses.

question:
suggest your own definition of religion.

answer:
the human race is one that feels that it has to be important. religion is a way of granting recognition and a feeling of importance while at the same time explains what cannot be explained. through religion, one can change their own perception of the world to add a sense of hope and a more positive outlook on events to help one fully appreciate and value the beauty of the phenomena of life.

all good things must come to an end

today is the last day of summer.
its so sad to think that a ton of my friends are leaving for college and in time we will lose contact. i dont want these years to end. all of the people that helped me become the person i am today will be nothing but memories and pictures in yearbooks.
and this time next year, the next batch goes as well.


flashback-
waugh parties before they sucked. having bonfires, drinking 40's and smoking pot at the picnic tables. going on walks around the park with mary having deep ass conversations. playing with mitchell and levi and drew on the playground while smoking hookah, sitting on the top of the monkey bars with chess, touching nicks upper body to watch his shirt change colors, walking to the end of the path with paint pens and a notebook and drawing trippy pictures, being the last people at waugh and throwing everything in sight into the fire, the amplifier, dancing in the parking lot, watching the AG building squirm, sitting on the top of the hill with taylor mary and voss laughing for 6 hours straight laughing at the word poop and watching the clouds trip out, water balloon fights, everything.

next year when everybody comes back to visit i say we have a huge reunion.
i just dont want to let the past go.

hopefully this next year is full of similar memories, or new experiences, new people and new places. i hope that this year i learn. i hope this year i find somebody worth trusting. i hope this year is one ill look back on for the rest of my life,
because the summer and school year previous to today were by far my glory years thus far.

as of now though, i wish it was a weekend night in late 2008. i miss those days.

since for us, the spinal cord would suffice

life. strange isnt it? if you answered no, well then you obviously dont look though the eyes of a scientist.
the odds of it are so small. the fact that the universe which is mainly consisted of hydrogen and helium and other inexplicable forces (dark matter, dark energy, etc) created this one planet. just the perfect distance from a star to retain an atmosphere and liquid water and all of the sudden life appears.
but not complex life. micro-bacterial life. how can a reaction of non-living elements create this strange phenomena. some say god. to be honest, i dont know if there is a god. nobody does. you cant say something does or doesnt exist if you dont know. but for now the key to life is still missing.
well the stange thing is, this life evolved. first it was single celled organisms and eventually it became these even stranger life forms that had a substance called chlorophyll that actually took the energy from the sun to trigger a chemical reaction to generate energy that the life could feed off of to keep itself alive.
now what are the odds of that? but no, it doesnt end there. it just keeps evolving and progressing and before you know it there are fish, and insects, and mammals. the list goes on and on. and then there is us. as far as we know, we are the only species of this stange thing called life that actually have emotions and intentions and hopes and dreams and the ability to learn and progress.

i dont know about you but the whole concept of life just blows my mind.
people totally disregard it, the beauty of life. instead they choose to waste their lives conforming, or living to satisfy others, or intentionally hurting others. why is that? why cant everybody value what it is they have? instead, as a race, we just stomp around hurting ourselves and the very planet that gave us the gift of life. its all just a little angering. i wish i could slap everybody in the face sometimes. we have the ability to progress and reflect and to look at the world in awe, so use it!


although i am young, i have come to learn that 93% of people on this overcrowded planet are stupid. just out right stupid. we put our lives into material items and measure our happiness in terms of wealth.

when people bring the question up about why are we here, my answer is science. we are the outcome of some very strange and very rare phenomena. there is a formula for everything. when poeple ask me if we have a purpose, my answer is no.

we are not here for any specific reason. we just exist. now we can either make existance worth it or we can make it horrible for ourselves and anything else we come across. the choice is yours.


its your life. make it worthy of living. stop complaining about it and get off your ass and do something!

"and remember to be here now"

if summer homework were a person

i would have probably gotten them shot.

or perhaps i would procrastinate on that one too.

untitled

she tried to hold it back
you could see it on her face
trying to beat the cheaters in their own race
hiding her eyes to protect her from the rays
he always induced this drug binge craze.
one by one the tears fall down
and dissolve before they even hit the ground
theyre burning up in this world
to which shes bound
try to get free
or even found
but it only ends in failure
she drinks too much and swears like a sailor
dissatisfaction drips from her pores
she knew she was still better than those low life whores
but he still chooses to ignore
her feeble attempts for his love
and still he leaves
and weaves his way deeper into her liver
she tried to fight back but only uttered a quiver
she cant even begin to deliver
the words that echo in her head.
her soul couldnt soar, heavier than lead
she always needed more to escape from her head
so she lies some more
and wishes to be dead.
how small are we?
she asked with a smirk
smaller than the molecules in your front yard's dirt.
so pointless.
too much stress.
why does everybody have to try to impress the only object of her affection?
she knew he could be sweeter than any confection.
she knew that they could exchange life lessons
she'd tought herself too.
shes grown up so much
but still he wont touch
even the clothes on her back
but what did she lack?
it was hard to love herself too.

i wish

i wish it was easier not to care about anything. i mean like hygene and shit like that i enjoy caring about and im sure that people appreciate it too, but when it comes to boys and other bullshit like that, i wish i didnt care. im not stupid. i know that none of what im going though will matter in like a year but still i guess this pain is just training. its not even somebody else inflicting these emotions on me. im doing it to myself. im picking myself apart without any apparant reason. im actually pretty excited to go back to school. at least it will give me something to do rather than hating on myself.

its just the way he looks at me. it tears me apart. he has no idea. hes probably forgotten about me by now. i just wish i had never made the mistakes that i did. ive realized that i should be alone for maybe like the rest of my life because ill admit, im a bit crazy when it comes to relationships. i fall head over heels, and then get really doubtful, break someones heart, get crazy in love again and then fall out of it just as fast. im all over the fucking place. and then i milk pity from them. i make them think that i need them and that i need their help to try and win them back and by that point, everybody hates me.

maaaaan. ive always noticed i do these things though. i just cant stop for some reason. it all seems justifiable at the time but now looking back on my previous actions, im fucking crazy. so i apologize to anybody thats ever remotely had feelings for me. i suck at emotions.

thats why i like science so much. its almost reassuring that nothing matters. the human race will end. our planet will be destroyed in time. the sun will blow up. we are so incomprehensably small and im not scared of death. its all part of the cycle. nothing will matter when i die, because i am no more. its comforting in a sort of sick pessimistic way but hey, what can i say.

i know im fucking nuts.

an entry i found in my journal that basically describes my life now

on sleepless nights i find myself up writing. its a really good way to organize my thoughts. i wouldnt say that i have way too many thoughts, but there are quite a few bouncing around up there. i get so brain fried sometimes, its such a help to vent.

im not satisfied

i dont know with what though. it s another one of those really angsty feelings. i feel like life is boring and im not getting anything done. i want change. excitement. freedom. life is just too structured and fucking tedious. i want to just vanish.

holding out

i cant house this feeling in my head any longer
i want to but i cant
i wish i was stronger
from an outsider's perspective im a fucking goner
but i'll be cryptic to make the gods ponder.
lingering, waiting
for those final flows
my best friends and family ditching me for hoes,
im fighting this feeling as it drips to my toes
it flows from the wound and it sticks to the clothes.
stop slicing me!
i cant muffle my scream anymore
i feel so stupid, immature, and poor
wronger than some sick ass fucking rapist,
im trying to hard- i dont have to take this.
you're lying too much
i cant believe you would make this.
im such a fool for trying to fake this.

alone on another saturday evening
listening to rap and watching the cieling
healing, stealing, and cleaning up this shit hole,
no not my room,
my godforsaken soul.
its become tangled up and heavier than coal
even if it were gold
it couldn't be sold due to extreme surface damage
but if you dig deep to where the thoughts cant effect it
its a lot cleaner than the rest of their shit.
its pure, its good, its happy as hell,
trying to explain and not to tell,
trying to scream but not to yell,
its hard work to be done
before the sun
blows up in our ugly faces.
lets face it.
nobody can say it will all be okay
because im not that fucking dumb.
and nobody will say
here come this way
because they'll all be dead and gone.
so long,
nice to know ya
wish i could trust you so i could show you this crazy thing called love
the broken remains of this porcelein dove.
who said love was great?
i think times are late.
wait..
i cant shake this off
im trying to heal
but still I cough,
and my fever is through the roof.
its my aquarian side,
im too damn aloof.
emotionally detached and out of sync,
im still looking for my missing link.
a partner in crime whos there every time i feel like spitting my shit
to push me not to quit
to keep my smile brightly lit.
its almost an impossible task.
youre too young katie.
youre too smart for your age.
the most cash you can mak is minimum wage
and your still living in your parents cage,
and cant be let loose yet.
they hate you because youre a threat.
threatening the way the world works.
you dont tollerate poisonous dirt.
you laugh all the time
you cant commit crime because your concience is loud as hell
and when they see you it aint hard to tell
that a revolution is in our midst.
the future is last on their priorities list
and your accentuating their flaws
question the laws.
rules were meant to break.
and if it continues there will me no lakes.
no oceans, no trees
just paper and plastic
go ahead, make your choice,
meanwhile i'll wreak havoc
goddamn girl
you're so fucking dramatic
stop rustling up dust in humanities attic
no
cant avoid this
let my words be your death kiss
wreck this, set this goal,
this limit to fix this
because when its all said and done
youre going to miss this.